hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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