so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
