I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
