My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
