I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
