I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The air was thick with penises
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
