bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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