My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You need Xanax blowdarts
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
