When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
