dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
