Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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