If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
