Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
