so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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