She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
