the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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