the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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