my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
