Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
