btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
