just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
