I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
