Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
