she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
