Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
