dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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