Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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