she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
