yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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