the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
