yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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