I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
