she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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