Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
