I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
