after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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