Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
