walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
