Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
