you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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