You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
