I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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