I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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