Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
