we have officially lost it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
