Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
