Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
