btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have fence marks all over my body
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
