dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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