I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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